EBONY, IVORY & JADE
(aka SHE-DEVILS IN CHAINS)
(aka AMERICAN BEAUTY HOSTAGES)
dir. Cirio Santiago, 1976
Philippines. 80 mins.
SATURDAY, JULY 7 – 10 PM
FRIDAY, JULY 13 – MIDNIGHT
SATURDAY, JULY 21 – MIDNIGHT
FRIDAY, JULY 27 – MIDNIGHT
“I can’t believe I made eye contact with someone in the process of renting this movie.” – sllaw_hguorht, IMDB
Bundled from disparate threads of history (specifically the 1972 Munich Olympic massacre and the Patty Hearst kidnapping) EBONY, IVORY & JADE is a thoroughly offensive work by 2018 standards – a brutal and yet, aside from its murky nightclub scenes, mercilessly watchable kung-fu blaxploitation combo from drive-in trash journeyman Cirio H. Santiago (T.N.T. JACKSON, the original EXPENDABLES, BLOODFIST 2050). It follows a team of Olympic gymnasts from the States who are kidnapped and sold into slavery by drug runners, as well as an intrepid and fed-up black detective who, with CIA supervision, flies out to Hong Kong in search of them. Beyond Manila’s resolute failure to stand in for Hong Kong, what’s intriguing is the film’s incipient anti-Americanism: Black Power gets multiple boosts from the porkrub-salty screenplay, and it’s later revealed the kidnapping was arranged by one of the athletes’ evil-ass WASP stepfathers.The action sequences are bone-crunching, while Santiago’s occasional lapse into arthouse formalism (against a backdrop of martial artists in formation, one routine exchange between characters becomes a single-take epiphany) keeps you on your toes – as do the endless backdrplugs for Milo, a popular European malt beverage who either put up some of the cash for EBONY, IVORY & JADE, or ..
(And if those ellipses don’t convince, check out the original quotes from the back of an old FOXFIRE VHS:)
You’re better off dead when they start blasting lead! Ebony, Ivory, and Jade! Killing is their trade! With fist, foot, and blade, they can lick any man ever made! 3 foxy mamas who’ve got what it takes and know how to use it! 3 masters with a thousand ways to kill! Jump back, Jack, fo’ yo’ skull is cracked!
Skin of bronze! Muscles of iron! Fists of steel! The ultimate gladiators in the final arena! Angels of vengeance on a massacre marathon!
Lusting bursting babes ripe with the fruits of desire! In slaughter or seduction they score!
FOXFORCE! They turned them loose! Three sisters got soul they can’t control! Back to back they face death! When their blood gets hot you’re on the spot! Skirting disaster! Flirting with fate! Dancing with death!
FOXFORCE! 3 spittin’ kittens on a roaring rampage of revenge! Whipped into a blazing frenzy of violence! A raging ride through hell! From olympic contenders to bloody defenders! From the first burst to the last blast! .38 caliber kittens spitting death as they claw their way to freedom!
Warm hands! Cold triggers! Blazing death! They’re women! They’re warm! They’re wildcats! FOXFORCE! Rapid fire frenzy erupting in a .45 caliber climax! Flashing fists of fury strike like vipers of vengeance! You haven’t a prayer when they leap through the air! Ebony, Ivory, and Jade can lick any man ever made!